What Happens To a Room When You Walk In?

Takeaways

Research shows that while 95% of people believe they are self-aware, only about 10% actually are. That means that 85% of us think we are self-aware, and we are not. That gap — between how we see ourselves and how we actually show up — is one of the most important gaps you can close.

I was elated. I thought I had just hired a rising star. This time, I avoided my usual mistake of rushing through the interview process or using it just to confirm my bias. We took our time and honestly felt that the new teammate was smart, motivated, and aligned with our values.

Not even a month after they began in their role, teammates of the new hire were lined up at my door, concerned that she was harsh, dismissive, and certain she was always right, even when she was clearly not. I was still convinced she was a rockstar, so my response was more than a little dismissive. “Just give me a couple of days, I’ll chat with her, and she’ll pivot. You’ll see.” 

Basically, “Watch this. Hold my beer.”

Imagine my surprise when I explained how others were experiencing her, and instead of a pathway of apology and rebuilding trust, she chose a pathway of refusing to take ownership of her actions and rejecting responsibility for how she was affecting others. Her exact words were, “I took the Enneagram test, and I’m an Enneagram eight, which means I can’t help but be a jerk to everyone. That's just my personality. The people around me need to accept who I am.”

I was stunned.

My shiny new teammate confused self-knowledge with self-awareness, and it not only removed her from our company but also appears to have stymied her career. She had gathered some essential insights through a personality test (the enneagram is an excellent one, by the way), but instead of allowing it to drive deep awareness, she had settled for naming a pattern in her behavior without doing any inner work to explore where the behavior was coming from and, most importantly, changing the negative behavior.

Self-awareness is not knowing that you blow up a lot. It is understanding why you blow up and then doing the inner work so you stop blowing up. It is not the self-knowledge; it is what you do with that knowledge that matters.

As Adam Grant has said, “Personality is not your destiny. It's your tendency. Who you become is not about the traits you have. It's what you decide to do with them.”

Our job is to make ourselves easier to love. Lack of self-awareness is what makes us hard to love. When we find the why behind the patterns that push people away — the defensiveness, the need to always be right, the anger that shows up sideways — and we do the hard work to change those patterns, we become people who are easier to love.

Are you tuning into your patterns? Maybe you tend to lose your voice in certain conversations. Maybe you notice that you become the worst version of yourself when meeting with that person. This is where awareness starts.

The willingness to see the patterns, ask deeper questions around these issues, and sit with the answers, is the deeper work of self-awareness that so many leaders need to engage in.

We all want a shortcut, but there just isn’t one. I had some friends who attended a therapy camp that literally claimed it was a year of therapy in a week. No, it wasn’t. It was a week of therapy in a week. Therapy isn’t about knowledge acquisition; it is about the inner work of applying knowledge, which by definition takes time.

Just as self-knowledge can be confused with self-awareness, so can self-confidence. The arrogance and certainty that are byproducts of self-confidence actually shut down the curiosity that drives our growth. Certainty can delude us into believing that our work here is done when the reality is that it more likely hasn’t yet begun.

Stating loudly for all to hear that you are self-aware now is a lot like saying you’re the best at humility. The confidence that true self-awareness brings doesn’t need to be advertised. In this era, where we are saturated with the noise of self-promotion, the quiet calm of someone who is truly self-aware becomes a beacon of hope and clarity of who we were intended to be.

Research shows that while 95% of people believe they are self-aware, only about 10% actually are. That means that 85% of us think we are self-aware, and we are not. Ugh. That gap — between how we see ourselves and how we actually show up — is one of the most important gaps you can close.

Do you know what happens to a room when you walk in? What do people feel after they interact with you? Do others experience the person you intend to be?

It is quickly becoming clear that self-awareness is the primary skill senior leaders need above all else to flourish in this next era. So, how do we build this essential skill? Here are three practical ways:

1)    Regular reflection —Where do you do your best thinking? Maybe for you it is an end-of-day review, a walk, a drive, a talk with a friend, or writing in a journal. Go there regularly, on purpose. Schedule it. Have an appointment with yourself. That reflection is learning about yourself and shaping how you show up. Reflection can’t be something we schedule as we have time. It has to be something we make time for at least three times a week.

2)    Honest feedback or advice — Genuine advice from people who will tell you the truth, not just what you want to hear, is the gateway to awareness. This is not validation, nor is it listening to people who hide knives in their words. Balance seeking feedback with the reality that not all feedback is a gift. Some comments are gut punches. The phrase “don’t take it personally” has gaslighted too many people into swallowing cruelty. In fact, some people use “don’t take it personally” as a way to avoid responsibility for their words or actions (which ironically is the antithesis of awareness). Some weaponize feedback in the workplace or use advice to undermine or control. If it is too painful to listen to these people, don’t.

It’s okay to feel. And it’s wise to filter. When feedback stings, there is wisdom in defining it’s true intent and sifting out the comments that are designed to wound, not help you improve. Feeling hurt doesn’t make you weak — it just means you have a heart. The real strength is in feeling it, understanding it, and still choosing peace over bitterness. It's not unprofessional to get upset about criticism. Showing emotion usually means you care and got caught off guard. What counts is not how you react in the moment. It’s whether you use the input to improve over time.

The goal is to get to a place where nothing would surprise you in a 360-degree feedback exercise, because you move through the world in such a way that cultivates and listens deeply to honest feedback all the time.

3)    Noticing your patterns — Awareness is almost an out-of-body experience. Seeing how others experience you. Noting their eye movement, body language, and tone. What does the way you carry yourself do to others? Especially under stress, when your default behaviors surface most clearly, being able to notice and edit your actions and reactions in real time is where deep awareness helps us most.

Self-awareness is not a skill we place a checkbox next to and mark off as achieved. Instead, it is like exercise or a healthy diet. It is a discipline that healthy humans make part of their lifestyle and work at every day. Some days we think we are killing it (making the best hiring decision ever), only to find out later that we were way off. That’s OK. Self-awareness is rarely formed when everything is up and to the right, but more often when reality punches us in the gut.

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